The Mok Spot

Since I'm always talking shit about how I'll write a book. I need to get some of these theories out there.

If a guy seems to good to be true, then first of all he is. But if he is all that then his fatal flaw is either one of two things: He has a small dick or he is a wife beater.

One of the fundamental differences between men and woman is that men are stupid. This stupidness is created in their penis. The bigger the penis, the more stupid you can expect him to be.

Stuffed animals are a serious step in a relationship. It is hard to go back from the introduction of a stuffed friend. Much like having a pet together.

Homeroom "Something": Don't date anyone with the same/similar last name as you. If they would have been in your homeroom based on alphabetical order by last name, then stay away.

If all else fails when a child is upset/having a tantrum, then just let them tire themselves out until they sleep.

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For the record, I have these instances when I think really fucked up things. Like today at breakfast, my mom gave our waitress $5. In my head I thought, "Yeah, use that to buy yourself some English lessons." Fucked, right?

Anyway, we're driving home from my grandmother's house later and on the opposite side a car has flipped over. My mom's comment is that the car had to have been going very fast so my thought was: "then they deserved it."

Did they?

We're quick to say we deserve good things after hard work and dedication. Surely we don't only deserve things in the positive. And we don't. Take a serial killer; he kills a shit ton of people and we say that he deserves the death penalty. That, however, is the other extreme. What about deserving things in the middle?

Good deserves good.

Bad deserves bad.

Shouldn't mediocre deserve mediocre?

I'm not sure it works that way.

Your subtleties

They strangle me

I can't explain myself at all

And all the wants

and all the needs

All I don't want to need at all.

I want to do it. I can't think of anything more that I want. It is like desperately grabbing at straws. Hanging on by a fucking thread. I know I should just let go. I know I shouldn't do it. That's the main thing that irks me. I know better. So much better. If I were on the outside looking in I know what advice I would give myself. Like Scot and Matt I'm sure I would think he's an ultimate asshole. I would think that I owe him nothing. I would think that it is best for me to move on. To let bygones be bygones. I know all this. I do.

But I'm not on the outside looking in. I'm smack dab in the middle. Floating in a sea of emotions that never seems to settle itself. I almost broke down and IM'd his phone twice today. I just stared at the screen. But I didn't. Something is holding me back. And that in and of itself is a clue that I need to step away. It is edging closer to two months and there has been nothing.

Nothing from his end. Nothing from my end. I don't know what he's thinking. But I know I miss him. But I don't miss him enough. I can't force myself to reach out to him and try. I can't put myself back out there again. I can't text. I can't IM. I can't message. I can't email. All I can do is remember what was.

It is an all encompassing...feeling. It isn't hurt anymore. It's like having a bruise. The hurt is gone but the evidence is still there. I want to talk to someone about it but I feel like I can't. And it isn't just because I know I'm wrong. I can't go to Kayla. I'm in too deep to bring her up to spend and the details to complicated to explicit. I can't go to Matt. He's too..invested. I can't go to Scot. I've talked enough about it at all.

It comes back to Andrew. Since we talked I've been all out sorts. I'm partially convinced he'd tell me to hold on tightly to what I want. Love. Care about. Or, what is possibly worse, he'd tell me that I deserve more. But I can't go to him. I told myself and him rather vehemently that I could take care of myself and my life without him. Irony or karma that this has happened?

My decision right now: DO NOTHING.

No text for his birthday. Written or audio. No email. No Xanga message. No Xanga pulse. NOTHING AT ALL.

As a sidenote,

Today K reminded me of Andrew's Myspace message. Being a bitch ended up being a very good time.

I'm in love with Dwight Howard. It is undeniable. He is beyond fantastic. Fact.

But the Magic are currently getting their asses handed to them in the Finals. Fucking Lakers.

Leah and I were bitching about Kobe saying that he was selfish in wanting another championship because he already has three.

But I was thinking about it and it is deeper than just wanting another. He needs one more to be validated. It goes beyond just some kind of want.

Whenever you think of Kobe's last Championships you've got Shaq in the picture. He has to prove that he can do it himself. That he can lead a team. Whoa. I guess I can understand that. And he's still sexy as a fucker.

Also, I do not understand why Jaamer Nelson is playing. He was out 40 games. Clearly he did not really help his team get to the Finals. Why the urge to play him now? He isn't helping them all that much.

Magic better bring it in Game 3 at home.

Yesterday I randomly watched some special on I think it was the Discovery Channel about the amazing human body and pushing it to the limit. It talked about this guy who was swimming across the English Channel. It went through everything his body was going through.

Apparently we only have about 2 to 3 hours of energy and our body copes by either enlarging or shrinking fat cells. But after that 3 hours is up, your body has to make a change over. But before it changes over, you start to feel like shit. Your body is telling you that the situation sucks ass and that you should stop. But our bodies are designed to keep going regardless.

Your body makes this change and actually starts consuming the fat cells. It is kind of like cannabalism in that it starts to eat itself. But that point right before, when you feel like shit is apparently called hitting a wall.

I think the same applies to relationships. At least my relationships.

I'm fine for a set period of time and then I slam headfirst into this wall. But unlike my body, I'm not designed to make a change so I just stop. I stare at the wall like: FUCK, but then I just bounce.

For whatever I can't put in the effort to keep pushing forward. I can't go around consuming myself like that. I feel like I do enough of that before I even reach the damn wall. I don't know, but it seems like after I get to that point I get kind of completely over that person, that relationship, and that situation. Bleh.

I was idling thinking about Scot and how I keep word vomiting all over him. He's a fucking stranger! What am I thinking? He completely disagrees with me emailing Josh. Disagrees to the point that I was frustrating him last night. Not something I intended to do. So I was wondering a few moments ago who I trusted. Did I trust my relationship with Josh and that whole thing or a few (quasi) casual conversations with Scot in less than a week.

You know who I decided I trusted?

Andrew.

Fucking Andrew.

Every time he comes back into my life, even these flickers changes everything. It's annoying, but I don't hate it or anything. It's just..frustrating. Mainly because he's right. Aw, well, fuck my life.

Andrew makes everything heavy.

Everything. And the situation is always the same. I trot along then he's there and bam. HEAVY.

But he has this clarity. This ablity to see right through me and helping me see myself. The years have run together. It's been three or four, but he's been there. More or less. Better or worse, but there.

That, to me, is a startling revelation.

On a slightly unrelated note, I'm emailing Josh. On his birthday. It might not be the most uplifting note ever, but it will give me some semblance of closure. Finally.

I guess sometimes things need to get heavy.

My breathing is regular. My heart is still beating. I am no worse for the wear.

I feel. Fuck. I don't know what I feel. Do I even feel anything?

I gave him my number. My number! What the hell was I thinking?

We had this whole in depth conversation in the middle of main.

He cares? Why?

Why was he looking for me?

My chest feels a bit tighter, but I'm ok.

What does that mean? Why now?

Do I tell him about Josh?

FUCK.