The Mok Spot

I watched Twilight recently and it made me re-think why Edward Cullen was perfection. Granted the movie was shit and the books weren't that well written, but there is still something about this fictional character that women love.

He is the total package for the following reasons that aren't in order.

He's attractive.

Eye candy is such a win. He looks awesome and every woman wants him. You know what kind of confidence booster that is to walk in with a drop dead gorgeous guy and have everybody staring at you and jealous that he picked you? Utter win.

He's intelligent.

Well by all accounts he comes across as smart so interacting with him isn't like staring at the celing.

He's older.

This may go with the intelligent one, but he has wisdom and maturity. Yes, he's supposed to be hundreds of years old but that time has taught him a lot and he's not playing games or down with bullshit. He's got his shit together and girls like that.

He's mysterious.

You almost can't figure him out. Girls like a little intrigue. They want to be able to figure it out. To dig deeper.

He's protective.

At times more than he should be, but girls want to feel taken care of. They want to feel protected at all times and know that their guy can step up and saving them from whatever scary thing exists.

He's resistant.

He doesn't always go along with Bella to keep the piece. They argue a lot and often don't see eye to eye. He doesn't change his opinion just to please her. He stays his own person with or without ol girl.

And that's my short & fast list why I wouldn't mind getting a little Edward Cullen.

I'm reading this book Something Borrowed by Emily Giffen.

Anyway, the premise of the book is that straight shooter Rachel ends up having an affair with her best friend's fiancee Dexter. The thing is that you don't feel bad for her best friend, Darcy. She is selfish, self-centered, egotistical, and over all full of herself. You don't feel any sympathy for her. (At least in this book, but apparently there is a book just about her following the aftermath)

I see why you have to make her an unlikable character. If not, you have a lot more judgment for Rachel and Dexter and their actions. But because she is such a bitch you just figure that she has what's coming to her. That finally Rachel deserves to have some happiness.

I'm not sure I like that. I'm not sure I believe in moral absolutes but up until now I always thought of that as something that was either clearly wrong without any gray area. Then again, I've never been in that situation (and Lord willing I never will be) but I can't imagine doing that to K.

I mean, not at all. It goes beyond the girl rule of chicks before dicks. It just seems unthinkable that I could be so careless with her feelings. But it seems that I am always focused on other people's feelings. Which leaves me with the short end of the stick.

But happiness at what cost? At whose cost?

What if Darcy wasn't such a bitch? Then who would I be pulling for? In that case, everybody can't be happy (at least not in the way they think). So who deserves to win?

No se, amigos.

Kobe post, Forgetting I Forget post, and Edward Cullen post. Eventually.

Denver lost. -sigh- And while I didn't really watch, I found myself attracted to Chris Anderson again. Ew.

Despite being hungrier than a motherfucker I am happy right now.

I met a legit dude on Chat who I let add me to myspace. -Rolls eyes-

Jason emailed me. This is downright hilarious. How many times am I going to have to blow him off? But I have to admit, he is persistent. And well, I can respect that.

Jon and I are getting into some semi-serious shit with our emailing. About men, women, emotions. Things like that. Very famous.

ALSO while I was on chat this guy totally psycho analyzed me. Yo, it was so trippy. Haha. Apparently I find life annoying. I just handle problems straight up. Money isn't a big deal to me and I find sex to be shallow and dirty. Not bad, huh? 

I'm reading this chick flick book and am totally getting sucked it. Oh noes! The chick when to Duke and everything. Which was totally not expected. I'm trying to work out how I feel. Basically the girl is sleeping with a guy who is her best friends fiance. Yes, I know! That's downright dirty and unacceptable but the two really seem made for each other. So who wins? Being the kind of person who has (and probably always will) sacrifice my happiness for the other person I kind of what the characters to be like FUCK THAT. We're sorry, but we love each other and that's the skinny. Learn to deal, biznatch!

We'll see what shakes out. 

Something about seeing his name is enough for me. I don't know why, but it is. Like I said in December, once it was all over I would have the memories and I would remember. Well I totally do :p

Done? Perhaps.

Basically, tardholes.

That's my stumbleupon name. I got it from Sweetcheeks aka Ed and added the 11 on the end because it is my first favorite number.

I googled it and found what I also use that name for. If you are so intrigued to find out what that is, then by all means. Posting publicly means you set yourself up for things like that to happen.

What I did not expect was an outside site taking it. I was at first appalled. I didn't know anybody outside of myself had ever read that. I felt a moment of outrage at it being used without my permisison. A slight sense of relief that somebody else had read it and then indifference, because well, I'm indifferent about such things.

This was meant to be an all encompassing random blog.

I am right about everything. I tried to blog about this last night, but the server was being a cunt. I was moody when talking to Steven and brought up him not knowing my name. He totally does not. I've known him since Feb. Oh, but it gets better: He is unbothered by this. He admitted not knowing but made no effort to find out. Didn't ask and didn't even make a big deal out of it. What? FUCKING UNC FAN. I shoulda known, right? Ha.

Xanga continues to blow. No surprise there.

I did a dumb thing on my Dirty Fire one. In a brief moment, I decided to open it up. I thought I would protect the old enteries and as I wrote new ones on here, I would post the titles and the links on there for a little exposure. I completed half of that when I realized how dumb it was. I don't need people to read this. Sure, I might want a little feedback, but fuck that.

THERE WAS SOMETHING ELSE.

But alas, I forgot. Yup.

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone elses opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."

I love quotes. I make no apology for that. But the above is one of my favorites from the fantastic Oscar Wilde. It makes a point doesn't it? I think it says something very powerful and it isn't all that superly positive.

I used to think that it was true in a very simple sense, but pure nonetheless. I'll address one aspect of the first part of the second sentence now: their thoughts are someone elses opinions.

Although I adore quotes, I've decided I don't like them as bases for arguments. Not one bit. This mainly comes from Clint, and while I adore him immensely, I think he is too intelligent to rely on what other people have said to make his point.

I don't mind him using them to bolster what he has said, but I'm not really sure I need a quote from some dead white guy to realize that he's right. I don't give a flying fuck what they've said. I want to know what he has to say and if that's the only reason why then maybe he should re-think his thoughts.

Tell me what you say. What you think. Give me your opinion. Your quote.

Let the dead guys stay dead.

A series type thing for me? Maybes.

Anyway, I hate advice. Giving. Receiving. It sucks. I remember in 9th grade being told a quote [which is kind of a separate point altogether that now irks me] that utlimately meant that when people ask for advice, they really aren't asking what to do, but rather they want to know that the decision they have already made is good. They want to be reassured. They want to feel justified.

I guess I understand that. But something about needing validation from others bothers me. It also feels like a major cop-out. Not that I'm admonishing the idea of help, but completely giving up your issues for somebody else to figure out. Unacceptable.

At times I am a fan of relieving myself of responsbility, but that doesn't mean I still can't get a nasty taste in my mouth. Take whatever I feel with J. Before Aunt Flow reared her ugly head, I was pretty sure i was just going to text him on his birthday and let that be that. Now that my emotions are in overdrive, I'm asking myself why I would do that? He knew the ball was in his court and that it would be up to him to keep me around. He'd done a good enough job the others times to make sure I was there. He stopped for a reason. I should leave him alone and let him be happy. The worst case scenario is things get back on a track that seems reminiscent of what we had before only to end in the same way.

And really? Is that so bad? The experience is worth it, right? He legit made me happy so I should just chalk it up and go for it. Methinks no in this moment.  But I'm sure that will change.

I want to ask for advice. I want to know what I should do. But it is my life. No matter what I'm told, the person doesn't know how I feel. They can't experience the result of their decisions. I barely understand so how can anybody else.

I guess I don't want it to be my fault. I don't want it to be anything I've done. Maybe that's the worse case. If so, I'm living it either way right? If I pushed him away to begin with or if I don't fight to have him back.

Hussy is a word that isn't used enough in our society. I'm on a crusade to bring it back. Look out now!

Anyway, while K and I were watching Twilight she made a comment about how/why anybody would want to live forever and be alone. I told her I would tell her how it was. Awkward laughter followed.

That isn't the point. The point of this is the validity around rebounding.

First of all, I have to admit that the best way to get over somebody is to replace them. That's just a fact. The trouble arises in trying to match the new with the old and the fact that you are just using the person to get back on track.

That isn't to say that you can't actually have feelings for the person but at the end of the day, they're really just doing you a favor. I'm not sure if most rebounders know that they are rebounders, but I can't imagine that's a position anybody wants to be in.

I slightly feel like I was J's rebound. Yes, I know the situation is complicated with my adoration of him and the fact tahat we weren't actually in a relationship. Let's look past that. I was more akin to a back up friend, but the idea is the same. You find a stand in. A replacement. An understudy for the people you honestly want in your life.

Only a real hussy would abuse a person like that, right? RIGHT?

Truth is I don't know. Having slightly been there I can say that the ending of it all sucks ass and you do feel used, but then again all I ever wanted was for him to be happy and if I helped him move along in his life, then well, that should be points for me, not against me.

Perhaps another chapter in my book. ;)

For once, I don't have some superbly witty title. I'm losing my edge. Damn.

Earlier today I was thinking about opposites attracting and how I need that to happen to accomplish some balance in my life. I'm pretty much a straight shooter. Bullshit is bullshit. Having little patience means I have a shortage of tolerance. I really need somebody in my life to counter-act my negativity. I certainly don't want him to be Ray Fucking Sunshine, but a person with a better positive outlook that can be a little sanity to my craziness would be more than stellar.

This is even more beneficial if I want to bring children in the world. Yes, I know, shudders all around. Today when I called my aunt, her grandson answered the phone and it was about the cutest thing ever.

He's four and mad adorable. Talking about how he likes yoguh and grandmuh this and grandmuh that. I swear he already has a little country accent thing going on. Clearly I know nothing about children or how people develop, but I swear he is the smartest little kid ever. He can look outside and tell when it is about to rain and how the pink/red yogurt tastes like strawberries.

He is seriously a little man. He called his grandmother a party pooper and was rolling his eyes and everything. The thing that struck me though was/were his tantrums. He is obsessed with Transformers so he likes to use clothespins to make his own. They weren't working like he wanted them to so he bascially got mad agitated. He was throwing them down and stuff.

This is me. At 19 I do that. I'm a bitch and a half when I get frustrated. You can't tell me anything at all. I'm more than positive that kind of trait would be passed on to my offspring. Poor thing. I have got to get somebody to offset that.

Please and Thank you.

Might as well stay up and watch the sunrise, right? ;)

On the whole, I prefer action of inaction, because it is in those moments when everything ceases that my mind begins to wander. Like now. He's all I can think about. (Along with the rumble in my stomach and the dread of what the lack of sleep will do to me.)

But when I really think about it. I'm lucky. I consider myself incredibly lucky. If he is indeed my first love and I am getting over the first then I have it good. Better than anyone else. I don't know what it feels like to have his arms around me. I don't know how deep his voice is. I don't know if his adam's apple jumps when he laughs. I couldn't tell you his smell or any nervous quirks. I never felt his lips against mine or his breath in my ear. I never had to look in his eyes, and best of all: I never had to watch him walk away.

And for this small thing, I am grateful.