The Mok Spot

Your subtleties

They strangle me

I can't explain myself at all

And all the wants

and all the needs

All I don't want to need at all.

I want to do it. I can't think of anything more that I want. It is like desperately grabbing at straws. Hanging on by a fucking thread. I know I should just let go. I know I shouldn't do it. That's the main thing that irks me. I know better. So much better. If I were on the outside looking in I know what advice I would give myself. Like Scot and Matt I'm sure I would think he's an ultimate asshole. I would think that I owe him nothing. I would think that it is best for me to move on. To let bygones be bygones. I know all this. I do.

But I'm not on the outside looking in. I'm smack dab in the middle. Floating in a sea of emotions that never seems to settle itself. I almost broke down and IM'd his phone twice today. I just stared at the screen. But I didn't. Something is holding me back. And that in and of itself is a clue that I need to step away. It is edging closer to two months and there has been nothing.

Nothing from his end. Nothing from my end. I don't know what he's thinking. But I know I miss him. But I don't miss him enough. I can't force myself to reach out to him and try. I can't put myself back out there again. I can't text. I can't IM. I can't message. I can't email. All I can do is remember what was.

It is an all encompassing...feeling. It isn't hurt anymore. It's like having a bruise. The hurt is gone but the evidence is still there. I want to talk to someone about it but I feel like I can't. And it isn't just because I know I'm wrong. I can't go to Kayla. I'm in too deep to bring her up to spend and the details to complicated to explicit. I can't go to Matt. He's too..invested. I can't go to Scot. I've talked enough about it at all.

It comes back to Andrew. Since we talked I've been all out sorts. I'm partially convinced he'd tell me to hold on tightly to what I want. Love. Care about. Or, what is possibly worse, he'd tell me that I deserve more. But I can't go to him. I told myself and him rather vehemently that I could take care of myself and my life without him. Irony or karma that this has happened?

My decision right now: DO NOTHING.

No text for his birthday. Written or audio. No email. No Xanga message. No Xanga pulse. NOTHING AT ALL.

As a sidenote,

Today K reminded me of Andrew's Myspace message. Being a bitch ended up being a very good time.